Chuck Norris Jokes

[Muley Hunter]

I read a funny one today.


Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead. It's just too scared to move.

 

[Muley Hunter]

While learning CPR Chuck Norris actually brought the practice dummy to life.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

 

[Hanshi]

Those are good!  I have a signed copy of his book commenting on the "tales" that have been going around.  Great guy.

 

[Muley Hunter]

Yeah, he takes a lot of crap for being tough, but he really is. So, the jokes are all in good fun. I'm sure he laughs at them too.

 

[patocazador]

His botched plastic surgery is right up there with Kenny Rogers.  :shock:

 

[Old Smoke]

Chuck is not his real name.  It's Carlos.  He lives near my folks.  They see him from time to time.   They say he is a very nice guy.  I, too, like the jokes.

 

[RonRC]

The following is not to take anything away from a fine karate practitioner, Chuck Norris. It is just to show how "tough" changes with the times. Norris also is politically aligned with many of us on this site.
Tough is defined by the times. Back in his prime, Norris was tough in the Karate disciplines. However, even in his peak days, multiple martial arts tournaments held in Asia always had a boxer or national class wrestler as winners. They annihilated the various karate competitors and destroyed the grappling masters in Judo and Akido. But Karate was big on TV and the movies, so that defined tough for the public.
Now, MMA of today offers a very different definition of tough. Chuck Norris, going against modern MMA fighters, even in his prime, wouldn't last a round. Even the MMA has evolved from wrestlers dominating, to stand up boxers in charge, to totally being taken over by practitioners of Brazilian JiuJitsu. Now it is the combination of Brazilian JiuJitsu, boxing and kick boxing.
If you want to see a 12 year old Royce Gracie, son of the developer of Brazilian JiuJitsu, destroying the 6th Dan Black belt, 30 year old Brazilian Karate champion, you can find it on YouTube. There is a video of Royce Gracie at 18 causing the Brazilian Olympic Judo competitor to run out of his dojo in frustration after losing 3 consecutive bouts in less than a minute and a half.
Yes, tough changes with time.
And, you can tell Chuck not to die his hair so dark. Heck, you can leave a little gray in there. It now looks so artificial.
Ron

 

[Muley Hunter]

I don't agree. Here's Chuck fighting Gracie in 88. He's doing fine. You don't have to win every tournament to be considered tough. Just competing makes you tough. He beat Joe Lewis 3 out of 4 times and Joe was a great Karate Champion. The one time Chuck lost he had a broken nose from a previous fight. Not an excuse, but it had to slow him down a bit.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=226&v=nst4V8BKNF0

 

[RonRC]

You are absolutely correct! I fully agree with you, Pete, that Norris was tough. Chuck was at the top of the martial arts 1964-74. You don't win championships without being tough. He was tough in his time and tough historically.

The video you list shows the results of a 1966 fight with Allen Steen, another Karate champion, not the Gracies. Allen Steen beat Chuck Norris for the Karate Championship in 1966. By 1988, Norris was considerably past his prime, but maintaining his image doing movies. Brazilian JiuJitsu got its start in the USA in the early 90s.

Norris also studied wrestling, boxing and judo, but he was not proficient with any aside from Judo.

It should be noted that Chuck Norris is sometimes listed as having been a champion of full-contact karate, something he has never been. He fought points-based karate. At that time, karate matches were point sparring - one hit and they award a point and restart the fight.
Full-contact was created in 1970 and formally adopted in 1974. Norris never competed in full contact matches. At that point he was too involved with his movie career.

His career performance was commendable. His won-loss record was outstanding, something like 180-10.

He did learn some JiuJitsu with the Gracie family. Chuck had the following to say about his first Jiu-Jitsu lessons with the Gracie family:

“I tracked the Gracies down in Rio, and I went to their school. And I met Mr Gracie, the father. I met Rickson Gracie, who was the world champion at that time, and Royce Gracie.
“So I asked if I could work out with them. And they said–very cordial–, ‘Of course.’ And I was a black belt in judo, so I thought I had some pretty good grappling skills. Anyway, I got on the ground with Rickson Gracie, and it was like I’d never had a lesson in my life. He played with me. And then I went and worked out with Royce for a while. And then Mr Gracie said, ‘Chuck, let’s you and I grapple.’
“Mr Gracie’s about this big [gesturing that he is short with his hand]. So we started working out, and I mounted him. And he says, ‘Okay, Chuck, punch me.’ And I said, ‘Mr Gracie, I’m not going to punch you.’ And he said, ‘No, no, no. Punch me.’ So I brought my hand back [to punch him], and that’s the last thing I remember."

Royce Gracie beat many Karate proponents - Minoki Ichihara, a black belt in Karadeto Daido Juku and Kyokushin karate. Ichihara was considered a "living legend" in Tokyo, who had won over 60 full-contact fights. Gracie submitted Judo and Taekwondo black belt Remco Pardoe who outweighed Gracie by some 80 lbs.
There is a video on Youtube of a bout claimed to be Rickson Gracie versus Chuck Norris. Gracie chokes the guy out in 30 seconds. Actually, the video is NOT of Chuck Norris fighting Gracie! Norris was present, but not fighting.

There always will be arguments about how one martial art compares to the next and which is the best.  Now, there is no one fighting technique that dominates MMA. The successful fighters are proficient in all of them - boxing, kick boxing, Muai Thai, Brazilian JiuJitsu, wrestling. The one martial art you do not see in the MMA ring very frequently - karate.
Ron

 

[Muley Hunter]

Your right about the video I posted. I went by what it said on the screen instead of what the fight really was.

How Chuck would have done in MMA in his prime is unknown. I think he would have done ok if he trained for it as they do today.

 

[RonRC]

"How Chuck would have done in MMA in his prime is unknown. I think he would have done ok if he trained for it as they do today."

Agreed!

 

[strong eagle]

saw joe lewis, who beat chuck norris at a meet once, in seattle when joe lewis and i were young. i wasnt impressed. ive known a couple of pro boxers in my day and they would have put a guy like lewis away in short order. how ever i worked 5 years with john leong, bruce lees first cousin, and that is a different story. he wasnt karate, he is into what ever bruce lee was into. joe lewis and chuck norris wouldnt stand a chance in a real fight against john leong.saw him do a couple of thing on the job when we worked together, he was the real deal. he was a boilermaker welder, and i was a pipefitter in those days. three times in those five years i saw him use his stuff. again jow lewis and chuck norris werent even in the same standard as john leong. dont ever go up against a pro boxer, they will deck you even if you get in the first good shoot. they can counter punch and even when they are hurt. in neveda the pipefitter union gave a really bad supervior a real leasson on life and that supervisor was supposed to have a black belt in karate. well the local pipefitters union had a former pro boxer on the roles. they sent him to that job. when that supervisor tried his shi---- on the union boxer, he got hit so hard that he was out for 1/2 hour. then as we said in those days, when he woke up he drug up,left town. he  got the message. man those were the days. they never will come back. that stuff dont go any more but i enjoyed it while it lasted. in the mid sixtys i gave a robber of a grocery store in seattle his due with my smith and wesson chief special and the cops just shook my hand and patted me on the back. today they would lock me up for good. things have changed. sorry to get off subject but old people do that.

 

[patocazador]

It can't be. Everyone knows that Steven Seagal is the coolest, best martial arts guy in the universe. Just ask him .. or Vladimir Putin.  :ss:

 

[Muley Hunter]

My dad was a pro boxer. Toughest guy i've ever known.

I never predict who can beat who. It hardly ever turns out like you think. If they never fought. It's useless to talk about it.

 

[RonRC]

Steven Seagal is an interesting fellow. He attained a 7th dan degree and Shihan in Aikido, he also holds black belts in Karate, Judo and Kendo and operated an Aikido dojo in Japan. However, I don't know if he ever competed in those martial arts. Keep in mind that having a black belt doesn't say you can kick anyone's a$$. It says that you have mastery in that discipline.
Norris, on the other hand, has won several world championships.

I have to eat some of my words about Chuck Norris. He is the real deal as a tough guy. He actually has trained in Brazlilian JiuJitsu for some 30 years and holds a black belt from Rickson (a son of the originator of BJJ) Gracie's Academy. He also helped popularize BJJ in the USA. It usually takes about 10 years of dedicated practice to become a BJJ black belt.
In the American Karate Academies, they find that to keep kids coming, they must offer an incentive, and that is belts awarded frequently. Many a young person has been awarded their first black belt in one or two years.
In one type of Aikido, there are no yellow and blue and purple and brown belts. The first belt after white is black, and that may take six to seven years. The Americanized Aikido Academies have the entire litany of the rainbow colors of belts.
Ron

Ron

 

[RonRC]

Martial arts are also good for the classroom:

Ron

 

[strong eagle]

best street fight i ever saw was in seattle. their is a saying, never fight a man with no neck. i believe that to be true. a fellow we worked with was a finn from nothern minn. he was 5 ft 6 and had no neck hands like catchers mits. he weighed about 225. their was this 6 ft 2 mean irishman who picked a fight with the short finn. he swung on the short finn and that was the end of it for the big irish man. the finn grabbed him by the nuts with one hand and by his chest with another and lifted him over his head and then slammed him down hard. he then got on top of him and beat him silly. we had to pull the finn off of him or he would have killed the irish guy. when the irish guy got up he run out of their as fast he could. never ever fight a guy with no neck.

 

[RonRC]

Another saying may be "Don't fight a man with horribly ugly cauliflower ears." Our son is only 5'9" and 185 lb, but when he was working as a bouncer at a  local bar, unruly patrons would rather deal with the big bouncers when they saw his ears.

His ears actually are worse, now, to the frustration of his mom who always requested that he wear ear protectors when fighting.
By the way, he is the source of  most of my info on Chuck Norris and Brazilian JiuJitsu and pointed out Norris' extensive training in BJJ.
Ron

 

[patocazador]

My younger brother has ears like that from wrestling in high school. He went to the state championships twice and finished 2nd both times.  The same guy beat him each time.

He used to take steam baths, wrap himself in Saran Wrap, and wear 3 sets of clothes in order to sweat off the water to make weight.

 

[RonRC]

When I was involved, briefly, in cage fighting many years ago, I was much more intimidated by the top class wrestlers than practitioners of any other fighting method. Once they had your legs, it was all over. My skills were more boxing related and less grappling.
I had a perfect fighting won-loss record. I lost every match. So I took that as a subtle hint to quit. Probably should have quit sooner or should not have even started. Never will recover those brain cells.
Like Pete, I have had close relatives who were boxers. My grandfather was what they called a "prize fighter." People would bet on them and they would win items like a watch or other "prize." He boxed from the time he returned from WW I to sometime into WW II, when he was in his 40s. His full time job was as a police officer between wars and after WW II, until he was killed on duty in the late 40s.